Turning Sadness into Meaningful Moments

Yesterday was Heidi’s 21st Birthday. I woke up feeling sad to not be giving her breakfast in bed and getting to spend some time with her. Granted, she probably would have been away at  college and that is what I kept telling myself but I was still missing her. I laid in bed for a while and just let myself cry and miss her. As I lay there, I was going over the day in my head and what I was going to do to make it special. In the past, we have done service and other acts of kindness in her honor. Up until this point, I had only made an appointment to go and do my first time giving platelets at the Blood Center. When Heidi was in the hospital for two days before she died, they had to give her platelets.Though she didn’t live,  I am still grateful that the platelets were available to give her a fighting chance. I give blood and now platelets to give people a fighting chance in hopes to save their life. It is a small act and a small sacrifice of my time but a huge deal to those needing the blood and platelets. It is said that every time you give blood you save three lives and my hope is to make a difference.

As I pondered on the day, I kept thinking that I should go to the Kendra Scott jewelry store in The Woodlands and get Heidi a necklace. The store offers a special half-off discount in the month of your birthday. I purchased a necklace for one of my daughters last month and I have plans to do the same for the other girls for their birthday this year. I felt like I should go and get it and then pray about someone to give it to. I felt that there was someone out there that needed to know that I was thinking of them, but more importantly Heidi and God were aware of them. I wanted to be prayerful about whom to give it to. It could have been a stranger, a girl from church, a friend of Heidi’s or a friend of mine. I was open to whatever. I just wanted it to feel right. However, I reviewed my day and it was pretty full and I wasn’t sure how I would have time to drive an hour and a half round trip to even get the necklace. I had a stump grinder coming to the house for the afternoon that Brian had asked me to be home to meet and pay.

After I gave the platelets, I was still feeling like I wanted to go to Kendra Scott but I was getting very nervous about actually doing it. I thought they might think I was weird to come in and say “Hi, can I get my half-price necklace for my daughter that has passed away?” What if they said no? How awkward would that be!

I thought I didn’t really have time anyway because it was already 12:30 p.m. and I had to get back to meet the stump grinder. I decided in the parking lot to just call the man and see what time he was actually going to be at the house since he had given us the window of anytime in the afternoon. He was a Hispanic man and I asked when he was coming and in his broken English he told me that his stump grinder wasn’t working today and he would need to fix it and come tomorrow. I laughed at the door opening for me to have no excuse not to go get the necklace. I should have known that if I was feeling prompted a door would have to open to make it possible. Too bad the stump grinder had to break to make the opportunity happen.

I still was nervous and dragging my feet.  I had a quick errand to run so I went to take care of that. After I grabbed the things I needed at the store, I had to basically say out loud, “Come on Paige, we are going to Kendra Scott and getting that necklace. What is the worst thing that can happen? So they tell you no. Buy it at full price and do it anyway.” The whole way there I was praying to talk to the right sales clerk. I kept thinking, please let her be compassionate and kind even if she tells me no. I was also praying that it wasn’t going to be crowded there. I had been to the store recently and it was packed with people. I knew I would be emotional and I didn’t want to have others listening in or judging me.

Once I arrived at the parking lot I delayed again by heading to a nearby bathroom. I was getting nervous and emotional. When I went into the store I noticed one other couple at the counter. A clerk came up to me and asked if she could help me. I said yes and asked if we could move to the side to talk. Two other nearby clerks who were not busy sort of moved into the conversation. I tearfully explained that it was my daughters 21st birthday but that she had passed away and I was wondering if they would allow me to purchase a necklace at half price for her birthday that I could then  give to someone that I felt needed to know that my daughter was thinking of them. I explained that this is something I would have done with her and I wanted to do something on this day that I would have done had she been living. I also said I had her driver’s license if that mattered. I spilled all that out so nervously and quickly. They all looked like deer caught in headlights as they listened to my emotional plea. The girl that had asked if I needed help was the one to respond first by kindly saying, “Of course we can do that.” I felt such relief. Another girl smiled and asked if I had anything in mind. I said I did and she went to get it.

As the one went to get it and put the stone in, I was standing at the counter. I noticed some cute, festive mini cupcakes on the counter. They looked like birthday cupcakes, with multicolored sprinkles on them. I asked the girl why they had cupcakes because I had never seen them there before. Her response was “Oh, I don’t know, sometimes we just have them here--would you like to have one and some punch?” I felt emotional and there was no way I could eat one so I declined. I know it doesn’t seem like much but my thought at that moment was “Of course there are cupcakes, it is Heidi’s birthday and this is just a little sign that God and Heidi knew I was going to be in the store that day.” I know that others may say t it was coincidence but it didn’t feel that way to me.

As the girl took my information at the computer and I gave her Heidi’s ID we talked. She was sweet and said how beautiful Heidi was and what a nice thing I was doing. I explained how I had just come from giving platelets because when Heidi was in the hospital she had needed them and that I try to make the day about honoring her. I felt I should tell her that Heidi had died of a blood clot we didn’t know she had. By this point the other girl brought my necklace and I took one look at it and decided the stone had to be purple. Heidi’s favorite color was purple and in all my nervousness I hadn’t gotten purple. Of course the clerk was quick and ready to make the change. By then no one else was in the store. Not a single person came in the store the rest of the time I was there. All the sweet girls were listening in to my conversation with the two clerks. I could tell they were all feeling compassion for me. They reached out and touched me and several said kind words and with tears flowing I thanked them and headed out the door.

I walked across the street and immediately felt I needed to go back. I entered the store and all the clerks were standing there and still no other customers were in the store. I explained to them how if they went on social media and searched #heidirun2016 they could see all our friends around the world that had bought a t-shirt to support us and a scholarship fund we have created in her name. To date, with help we have raised $30,000 in scholarship money. My husband was active-duty Air Force for 23 years and we have friends around the world and this month they are wearing their shirts and taking photos on social media. One of the clerks said how Kendra Scott loved to support fundraising and if I ever want to hold one in the store they would love to do that for us. She quickly ran and got me a business card. As I stood there talking, each of those sweet girls who were all Heidi’s age and just as darling, had tears in their eyes and compassion in their manner. Several said sweet things and I felt their love. And again, during this whole time my prayer was answered that not a single person was in the store.

As I got in my car I just sat and cried. I cried for so many reasons. I cried because God is good to me. I cried that He prompted me to go there; that He made it possible with the broken stump grinder; that I got a compassionate clerk; that no one else was in the store; that there were silly “birthday” looking cupcakes on the counter; that I felt moved upon to go back and share more of her story and how they could see it on social media; that all the girls were Heidi’s age and were touched; that I now had a beautiful purple necklace to give to someone in her honor; and also I cried just because I miss Heidi.

On my way home I called one of my daughters and a friend and told them about my blessings. As I was talking I realized I wanted pictures. I wanted to remember the day in pictures. I pulled over, called the store and spoke to a darling girl named Shelby. I explained who I was. She knew right away. I asked her if the cupcakes were on the counter still and I loved her response--“Did you want me to set some aside for you?” I explained how it wasn’t much but the cupcakes meant something to my day and could she take a photo of them and if it wasn’t a bother could she take a photo of all the girls working there so I could save them in my blog and my memory of the day. She was so sweet and took my number and said she would get them to me. When she sent the photos, she recommended again to let Kendra Scott be a part of fundraising and also to share my experience with corporate. Shelby didn’t have to take the photos and she didn’t have to be so kind but she did. She treated me exactly the way Heidi would have if she had worked there. So often these days clerks act like you are an inconvenience and bother to ask them to do anything or they say things like “oh, I don’t think we can do that” but these girls did all these out-of-the-ordinary things I asked of them and did it with compassion and a smile. They helped a grieving mom to do something meaningful and significant on a difficult day.

I then had to decide who would receive the necklace. I had been praying all day that I would know. I wanted a sure answer. There were a few girls that kept coming to my mind. One kept rising to the surface but I just wasn’t sure.

As I got my haircut (that is another great story for another day about something that Heidi made happen) and then hurried to watch Jason run at his track meet, I kept praying inside that I would feel right about who to give the necklace to. I was starving and exhausted when I got home at 8:30. I am sure it was worse because I had given platelets along with having not eaten anything substantial in 11 hours. My emotions had been up and down all day and I was absolutely drained. I was feeling frustrated that I just didn’t know who to give it to and it was late and I had really wanted to give it out on Heidi’s birthday and I just didn’t think it was going to happen. I called my daughter Dana, who was visiting Heidi’s grave, and explained my dilemma. She gave me good advice. She said that sometimes God just lets us decide. There could be lots of people that would benefit from the necklace but that God trusts me to make the right decision, and if I felt good about someone then I should just choose her. Sometimes we don’t get a “lightning bolt” pointing to a direct answer. She explained how when she decided to marry her husband Jorden, she just felt calm and good about it.

I decide to involve Rachel and Jason since they were the only two kids home. We talked about whom we could give the necklace to and then we prayed together. We all felt that the person that had been rising to the top all day was the person to give it to. I texted her mom and asked if we could bring something over to her daughter. I knew that it might go well or she might not really respond the way I hoped. I knew that no matter the outward response that inside she would feel what I wanted her to feel.

Rachel and I took it over and I explained why I felt Heidi wanted her to have the necklace and what I thought it meant. We all felt a warm special feeling and I knew she understood that she was loved. She has a loving family and she has love around her but for some reason she needed to know that others that she couldn’t see loved her.

Home I went to eat the treats people had given me and decompress from the emotion-filled day. It was a good and meaningful day. I was blessed. I saw the Lord’s hand in my life. I felt Heidi near. I knew she was aware of me. I am grateful for the good friends and family that love and support me in my healing.

Today I received a beautifully written and heartfelt letter from the girl that received the necklace.  It is too sweet and special to share but I want you to know that the necklace went to the right girl.  

P.S. Since writing the above post, something else very unbelievable and incredible has occurred that further illustrates the Lord's and Heidi's hand in the days events. To learn the rest of the story please read my second post titled appropriately "The Rest of the Story".